A man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him: “What’ll you have?”
The man says: “Give me three pints of beer please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says: “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”
The man says: “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, both living in different countries. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three pints too, and we’re drinking together.”
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him: “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers has passed.”
The man said: “Oh, my brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive snake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said: “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”
“Nah,” he replied. “I’m just a really bad golfer.”
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful younger woman, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go away for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him: “So, tell me, how was it?”
“Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The sun, the sand, we made love almost every night, we…”
His friend interrupts him. “A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?”
“Oh,” says the man. “We almost made love on Monday, we almost made love on Tuesday…”