Crime might pay … but intelligence is clearly optional.

For every master criminal who plans an elaborate heist, there are dozens more who forget the basics – like not leaving their name, face or return address at the scene. From crooks caught by their own logic to thieves undone by breathtaking stupidity, these jokes celebrate the criminals who make you wonder how they ever got out the front door.

Here are three jokes that prove once and for all: not all criminals are smart.

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptised…)!”  The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.” “Scripture?” replied the burglar, “I thought she said she had an axe and two 38’s!”

Freddy had his credit card stolen late last year. He decided not to report it stolen because the thief was spending less every month than his wife did.

Tiptoeing through the living room the thief suddenly froze when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!” Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” “Yes”, said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, “What’s your name?” “Clarence,” said the bird. “That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot said, “Same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”