A woman in her late thirties is at home happily jumping, unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks: “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says: “I don’t care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year old.”
The husband replies: “What did he say about your 42 year old arse?”
“Your name never came up,” she replied.
A man ordered Chinese takeaway from a local place. He had just been to pick it up when, as he was driving home, he suddenly heard the bags rustling.
He wondered what on earth the sound was and if something had gotten in the bag! He thought he could see a little pair of eyes peering out at him. He was driving so he leaned forward, picked up the bag and put it on the passenger seat.
Suddenly he heard more rustling and little eyes looking out from behind the prawn crackers. He thought it had to be a rat or a mouse or something, so he carefully pulled the bag down and there it was … A Peking Duck!
A new widow requested the epitaph “Rest in Peace” for her husband’s tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving.
This was impossible, the words were chiseled and could not be changed.
“In that case,” she said, “please add ‘Till We Meet Again.'”