FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2003
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small
band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if
our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at
1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2003
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from
now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We
will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ..
You didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2003
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to t ake it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests
that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F#$&*ng Employees
DATE: October 05, 2003
RE: The F*%#ing Holiday Party
I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your fu&*^%g salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you fu@*&ng weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B* from HE*^!!!!!!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2003
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan