A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.
“Why is your stomach so big?” he asks.
“I’m having a baby,” she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is,” she says.
“Is it a good baby?” he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby,” the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says: “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies: “I don’t know. But let’s make a deal – if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper: “Sol… Sol…”
Sol responds: “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks: “So, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Give me the good news first,” says Sol.
Abe says: “Well, there is baseball in heaven.”
Sol says: “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?”
Abe replies: “You’re pitching on Friday.”
A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. He said: “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”
“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.
“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”
“My friend, this is not a serious problem,” the doctor replies. “You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.
“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”
“So, what’s your problem?”
“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”