A 55-year-old woman tells her husband she’s seeing another man but says divorce isn’t an option. Starts at 60’s Sex & Relationships writer Bess Strachan weighs in on whether unconventional marriages can truly work.

Dear Bess,

I’m 55 and I’ve just told my 67-year-old husband that I’m seeing another man. I told him it was up to him to deal with it. The three of us have met and talked. I really can’t afford to get divorced as our lives are tied together in a business. What do you think? Can this new normal work, or is it doomed?

— Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

You’ve certainly skipped the small talk and gone straight to the third act.

Let’s begin with the obvious truth: relationships can survive almost anything except dishonesty and contempt. You’ve at least avoided the first. You told your husband the truth – abruptly perhaps, but truth nonetheless – and the three of you have already sat down together, which is more communication than many couples manage in years.

But honesty alone doesn’t make an arrangement workable.

The real question is not whether you can manage this new situation. It sounds as if you already have. The question is whether your husband can live with it without slowly eroding inside. There is a difference between tolerating something and truly consenting to it. One leads to compromise. The other leads to resentment that eventually leaks out in ways far more destructive than an affair ever could.

You also mention the business – the practical knot that ties many long marriages together. Finances, shared assets, employees, reputation. These things are real and powerful forces. Plenty of couples stay married for reasons far less noble than love. Stability, security and partnership are not small things.

But they are not the same thing as emotional peace.

For this “new normal” to work, three things would have to be true.

First, your husband would need to agree to it freely, not simply because divorce would be expensive or humiliating. A reluctant partner isn’t in a modern arrangement – he’s in a hostage situation.

Second, the boundaries would need to be very clear. Who knows what? How public is this relationship? What does your husband get in return for accepting such a dramatic change to the marriage he thought he had? Open arrangements only survive when everyone feels the rules are fair.

And third – the hardest part – everyone involved would need a thick skin and a long memory for kindness. People underestimate how much emotional discipline these arrangements require.

Some couples do make unconventional marriages work. Human relationships are far more flexible than we pretend. But the ones that succeed usually evolve slowly and mutually. They aren’t presented as a fait accompli.

Right now it sounds as if your husband has been handed a reality he didn’t choose.

That doesn’t mean it is doomed. But it does mean the real decision isn’t yours alone anymore.

If your husband can genuinely say, “This isn’t what I expected, but I can live with it and still feel respected,” then perhaps your marriage will evolve into something unusual but stable.

If he cannot say that – even if he is trying very hard to be brave about it – the arrangement will eventually collapse under the quiet weight of resentment.

One final thought.

You say you can’t afford to divorce. That may be true financially. But emotional debts have a way of coming due eventually as well.

The question for the three of you isn’t whether this arrangement can exist.

It’s whether everyone involved can live inside it with dignity.

That’s the real test.

— Bess

Write to Bess Strachan at community@startsat60.com

IMPORTANT LEGAL INFO This article is of a general nature and FYI only, because it doesn’t take into account your personal health requirements or existing medical conditions. That means it’s not personalised health advice and shouldn’t be relied upon as if it is. Before making a health-related decision, you should work out if the info is appropriate for your situation and get professional medical advice.