Christmas is usually categorised as a time when families come together to celebrate togetherness and the family unit, but for others, it can be the loneliest time of the year.
But for those people, that loneliness may be a cognizant and deliberate choice that, in many ways, is far better for them than being with their family.
Family estrangement has recently been framed in some major media as everything from a “growing trend” to a “social epidemic.” But experts are cautioning that this framing obscures crucial context – that estrangement is overwhelmingly a response to long-term relational harm, not a cultural movement.
This distinction becomes especially important during the Christmas season, a time when loneliness rates routinely spike. Surveys in Australia and other countries consistently show that December is among the loneliest months of the year – particularly for people who are estranged or unable to safely gather with family. The gap between the public expectation that ‘family is always safe’ and their personal reality can deepen emotional stress for those who have chosen distance for protection.
Researchers stress that estrangement is rarely spontaneous or impulsive, but a long-term necessity.
Estrangement is a response, not a trend, say psychologists who have studied it. A research paper authored by Kristen Carr and colleagues in 2015 examined 898 estranged parents and adult children, finding that those adult children most often cited harmful behaviour, emotional abuse, or a persistent lack of empathy as the primary reasons for cutting ties. Parents instead tended to blame outside forces, revealing a profound disconnect in how families understand relational harm.
Similarly, another study by Megan Gilligan, J. Jill Suitor and Karl Pillemer, conducted in the same year, found that estrangement between adult children and mothers typically reflected deeper value conflicts, unmet emotional needs, and long-term deterioration—not sudden disagreements or impulsive decisions.
As the authors note, these patterns indicate that estrangement “typically represents the final outcome rather than a first-line intervention.”
Despite this research, social narratives often centre on the estranged person’s decision rather than the conditions that made that decision necessary. The result is a “subtle but powerful inversion” – the person choosing distance becomes the focus of scrutiny, while the abusive or damaging dynamics that led to estrangement are not properly examined.
For those who are estranged, Christmas can be a doubly difficult time. The season’s cultural script of togetherness, reconciliation and family unity can leave people feeling judged or defective for choosing safety over tradition. Mental health organisations report annual spikes in calls and support requests during late December, often from individuals navigating grief, guilt, or heightened pressure to re-enter unsafe family dynamics.
But experts argue that loneliness during the holidays should not be mistaken for regret about the decision to isolate or estrange. Rather, it reflects the loss, grief, and societal misconceptions surrounding estrangement itself.
When someone cuts ties with a parent or close relative, the public often asks, “Why would you cut off your own parent?” But researchers argue a more accurate question is: “What happened that made distance the only viable option?”
This shift mirrors the reframing of the domestic violence discussion. Instead of asking sufferers point blank why they haven’t left, society has increasingly recognised the complexity of their circumstances. In estrangement, the misguided question becomes, “Why are you leaving?”
Estrangement is rarely undertaken lightly. It often follows years of attempted communication, boundary-setting, therapy, or reduced contact. When these efforts fail – or are violated – estrangement becomes an act of survival.
According to a 2025 study, people who intentionally severed ties reported that the process brought a mix of relief and psychological burden. The study underscored that cutting contact is not an easy or impulsive path, but one that often follows “decades of unresolved pain.”
As mental health conversations evolve, experts insist it’s time for the media to shift its narrative. The real issue is not that more people are estranging – it’s that so many have endured harm serious enough to require distance.
The real epidemic is not estrangement. It’s the unaddressed trauma, emotional neglect, and dysfunctional family systems that push people to choose distance as their only choice.
And as holiday loneliness continues to rise, researchers say understanding the true roots of estrangement is more important than ever. Not just to reduce stigma, but to ensure that those protecting themselves are met with empathy rather than suspicion.
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