There comes a moment for many women in long marriages – especially long, sexless ones – when the mind wanders into territory it hasn’t visited for decades. Attraction. Adventure. The thrill of being touched again. The idea of a real, breathing lover who reminds you you’re alive, vibrant and still very much a woman.

And if you’re 60, female, energetic, and partnered with a man who’s 72 and simply not interested in sex anymore, the thought can feel less like a scandal and more like a quietly logical solution.

But before stepping into those waters, here’s a clear-eyed look – the pros, the cons, and the conversation you may need to have first.

THE PROS

1. Feeling desired again

When your body hasn’t been touched with romantic intention for a long time, the idea of being wanted can feel intoxicating. It can reawaken confidence, sensuality, and a part of yourself you thought had retired.

2. Emotional vitality

A secret romance can sometimes feel like a renaissance – laughter returning, libido waking, colours looking brighter. Women often say the attention makes them feel decades younger.

3. Separating friendship from intimacy

You and your husband may be excellent companions, co-managers of life, and affectionate partners – just not sexual ones. A lover can fill the gap without threatening the friendship, if boundaries are strong and everyone is emotionally steady.

THE CONS

1. Secrets erode even strong marriages

Even if sex isn’t part of your marriage, trust still is – and lying, sneaking and deleting texts can quietly hollow out what’s left.

2. Emotional attachment happens fast

Physical intimacy rarely stays physical. Someone will get attached. Someone will want more. And the situation can shift into heartbreak before anyone means for it to.

3. The moral and emotional hangover

For many women, the affair itself isn’t the hardest part – it’s the guilt, even if the marriage is sexless. Guilt can poison the very freedom you were seeking.

4. Practical fallout

Even older marriages can unravel if the truth emerges – financially, socially, or within the family. Adult children can be surprisingly judgemental.

THE THIRD OPTION: TALK TO HIM

Here’s the bit no one likes, but I absolutely insist on:

Before any affair, consider a gentle, honest conversation.

Tell him:

You love him.

You don’t want to leave him.

You miss sexual expression.

You’re wondering how the two of you can handle that lovingly – together.

You might be surprised. Many long-married couples create a don’t ask, don’t tell mutual understanding. Others open the marriage slightly, with boundaries. Some even reignite intimacy in unexpected ways – sensuality, touch, connection without full intercourse.

He might not say yes. He might not say no. But he deserves the dignity of being asked before being replaced.

THE BOTTOM LINE

You’re not wrong for wanting desire. You’re not wrong for wanting sex. You’re not wrong for wanting to feel alive again.

But an affair is not just a thrill – it’s a story you’ll have to live with long after the excitement fades.

A conversation may be uncomfortable.

But regret, secrecy and emotional fallout last far longer.

If you decide to take a lover, let it be a choice made with clarity, compassion – and your eyes wide open.