Q: My 70-year-old husband has wanted sex all the time since he retired. He says it is okay if I don’t want as much sex as him, he is content for me to give some hand and blow jobs too. I could happily never have sex again, but I offer it to him every other day, and sometimes he says no. He masterbates daily, but he never brings himself to climax, he likes to walk around naked and often shakes his penis at me. I can’t bring friends in without first checking he is clothed. He says it’s me that has the problem, is his behaviour normal? When he doesn’t get ended he says he had pains in his stomach, but he won’t see a doctor about it. Last week after masturbating for about 30 minutes he had a seizure. I feel bad I am not giving him enough sex. Is his sex drive normal?

It can often be a shock for some couples when one or both partners retire and there is a dramatic change in sexual desire or libido for one partner. Your husband sounds like he is experiencing a sense of freedom since retiring and is enjoying greater sexual liberation as a result. Rest assured though; his sex drive is quite normal. Yet, your sex drive is also normal. There is no minimum or maximum amount of sex drive. 

The problem when there is a big difference in sex drive is one partner finds they are disappointed in the amount of sexual interaction they are getting while the other partner is feeling guilty or resentful for not wanting more sex. It sounds like this is what you are experiencing, and having a lot of obligation sex as a result. Nothing kills desire and pleasure more than obligation sex!

An effective way for a couple in this situation to resolve it is by talking openly and honestly about what they would each like sexually. Couples who are open to hearing the other partner and finding various solutions to the differing sex drives are usually satisfied with the arrangement they have made. 

Before you talk to your husband, think about what you like sexually. Do you still like penetrative sex, or would you prefer him to touch or taste you? Do you enjoy sex more in the morning than in the evening, in the bedroom or somewhere else in the home? For the times you don’t feel like penetrative sex, would you prefer to have oral sex or do hand jobs suit you better? 

Talking to your husband about ways to increase his desire when he masturbates may also work well for you both. There may be different types of porn that turn him on, or perhaps listening to erotic fiction will help him climax. If you are concerned about his seizures or the pain he has, I strongly recommend seeing his doctor to discuss his desire for lots of sexual activity and how to engage in it safely. 

And remember, it is absolutely okay for you to say no to sex anytime you don’t want it and you never have to have obligation sex. I am hoping through talking about what you like and how you would like it, and ways your husband can be satisfied, you both have a wonderfully warm, sensual and intimate relationship in retirement. 

Much love and desire, Polly. Xo

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