Former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has revealed his private struggle with mental health during his time in parliament, opening up on the moment he fell into a deep depression which then led to suicidal thoughts.

The 65-year-old has detailed the ups and downs of his career in politics in his new memoir, from the heated debates between his colleagues to the big decisions he had to make. But it’s Turnbull’s honest account of his mental state that has captured the most attention, with the pollie explaining in detail how he felt in those dark days.

In the memoir Turnbull said he fell into a state of “intense” self-destruction and had thoughts of suicide following his first loss of the Liberal leadership in 2009, The Australian reports. While he admitted it wasn’t the first time his mental health had dipped, it was a new low that he says left his family and loved ones “horrified”.

“I’d never given thought to my mental health before – mental health was something others had to worry about,” he writes in the memoir, according to The Australian. “For the first time in my life, suicidal thoughts started to enter my mind, unbidden and unwanted.”

The depression become so bad that Turnbull said he was prescribed various anti-depressants. But, sadly, none of the medication seemed to work and his mental health continued to decline.

Turnbull said it was a trip to Turkey for the Anzac Day memorial that he remembers as the time when his thoughts were the most destructive.According to The Australian, he said he felt like an “utter failure” and blamed himself for losing the leadership.

Over time, Turnbull explains in the memoir, he was able to ween himself off the anti-depressants and slowly his mental state began to improve.

However the pollie now believes his experience has made him stronger and says he learned a lot about himself in the process.

“They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger; my experience with depression certainly made me wiser and calmer,” he wrote. “And while I felt at times as though I was literally clawing myself out of the deepest pit, I also recognised that my depression had been preying on the self-absorbed side of my character.”