Bess Strachan is Starts at 60’s Sex & Relationships Editor
There’s a line buried deep in one Starts at 60 reader’s comment that caught my eye: “The water gone under the bridge is never returned – and the years of heartbreak are never healed.”
Ouch. But honest.
This week, as headlines swirled around high-profile family estrangements in celebrity circles, our readers offered up something far more real, far more familiar: the quiet heartbreak that happens when contact between parents and adult children just … dies.
Whether prompted by a spouse, a clash of personalities, or the slow drift of distance and misunderstanding, a family fracture can feel unmistakably personal – and yet, it’s not as rare as many of us feel it should be.
How common is this, really?
Research suggests family estrangement isn’t just something that happens to other people. Around 1 in 25 Australian adults report being estranged from their family at some point, usually through a breakdown of trust or emotional closeness.
Worldwide research also indicates adult children are more than four times as likely to be estranged from their fathers than their mothers – and while estrangement often feels permanent, in many cases relationships do heal with time, effort and empathy.
That doesn’t make it any less painful, though.
Why the Rift Grows
Argue long enough and you’ll find a hundred reasons blame gets thrown around – spouses, in-laws, life choices, money, values. Psychologists note adult children often initiate estrangement due to unresolved conflicts, emotional neglect or feeling unheard.
And divorce, stepfamilies and competing loyalties don’t help. Our society has fewer fixed markers of adulthood and family roles than ever, so expectations shift and traditions modernise – sometimes faster than our hearts are ready for.
Then there’s social media, a great connector that also trains us to air grievances publicly and react impulsively. A family argument once confined to living rooms can now be declared to the world with a single post – inviting commentary, judgement and escalation. Echoes of this are all over our comments section, where readers talk about “boys influenced by their wives” and the idea that adult sons sometimes walk away when loyalties shift after marriage. It’s a stereotype – and a painful one – but it reflects a very real tension between old expectations and new adult relationships.
Are We Trying to Be Friends Instead of Parents?
One quiet shift over recent generations is that parents are increasingly trying to be friends to their children rather than guides. That’s not inherently wrong – but with strong adult friendships come strong emotions, strong opinions and strong sense of autonomy, sometimes at the cost of clear boundaries.
Children raised to see their parents more as peers may have trouble navigating parent–child conflict once they are grown. And when that conflict turns toxic, both sides can feel justified in withdrawing.
So How Do You Save It?
If you recognise your own family story in any of this, here are some practical, grounded steps – without the fairy-tale promise of instant reconciliation:
1. Acknowledge Without Blaming
Blame turns walls into fortresses. Acknowledge feelings first (“I felt hurt when…”) before explaining perceptions. Listening is half the battle; feeling heard is healing.
2. Open a Real Conversation
Avoid quick emotional reactions on social media or texts. Ask to talk, face-to-face, or at least voice-to-voice. Professional family therapists consistently recommend open dialogue before walls are built.
3. Set Boundaries — But Keep Respect
Healthy relationships survive clear boundaries. That doesn’t mean ultimatums. It means honest expectations and mutual respect.
4. Consider Support
There’s no shame in enlisting a third party. Therapists and mediators help families see past the momentary hurt and back toward connection.
5. Remember Healing Is a Process
Estrangement is rarely a sudden decision – it grows. And research suggests many estrangements do eventually resolve, especially when both sides take time, reflect and soften positions. It’s not overnight, but it’s possible.
Who Is “To Blame”?
There is no single villain in most family estrangements. It’s rarely just one person who’s “wrong”. More often, it’s a series of small misunderstandings, unspoken expectations, emotional assumptions and cultural shifts that steer grown children and parents into silence instead of conversation.
And for those who say, “That’s just the way kids are today”? That’s too easy, and also too cruel. Every generation argues that its children are tougher, more entitled or less grateful – and yet, most families still find their way back to laughter around a table eventually.
In the End
There’s no simple formula for saving a fractured relationship. But there is a very real difference between letting go and making space to hold on – and that difference is often worth fighting for.
Because once silence settles in – and the years sweep by – the ache doesn’t go away. It just changes shape.
And sometimes, a heartfelt conversation – even late – is the first step toward returning the water under the bridge.