With the approach of each New Year’s Day comes the practice of listing those things we vow to achieve once the clock ticks over, the purpose being to make ourselves better and, hopefully, make better the lives of those around us.

These lists are commonly known as “New Year’s Resolutions” though, more accurately, they end up being “Futile Exercises in Blind Optimism”.

As the New Year dawns our souls swell with a fierce, proud determination to fulfil the promises we have made to ourselves, and to valiantly withstand any hardships we might encounter.

Yet after that initial burst of courage comes – usually about now – the inevitable wilting of the will as we succumb to the very temptations we sought to resist.

While some people are able to hold out for months, those of lower character fold much faster. Such are the vagaries of will power – or lack thereof.

To illustrate: here is an assortment rock-solid New Year’s Resolutions that did not survive the first week of the new calendar.

Vows were solemnly taken to:

Exercise every morning outside for two hours without fail or excuses come Hell or high water;

Take recycling seriously;

Donate all this unwanted furniture to a worthy charity instead of just letting it sit there in the back of the shed as a hotel for insects and spiders;

Stop wingeing about daylight saving;

Carefully read the instruction booklet of any new appliance before trying to operate it, thinking that it can’t be that complicated;

Floss after every meal;

Brush before bedtime;

Stop drinking milk straight from the carton;

Check the expiry date before drinking milk straight from the carton;

Expect good customer service from the bank;

Take seriously anything a politician says about anything.

Vows were taken to never again:

Go to bed with the iPad;

Eat lasagne after 11pm;

Regard the ability to spot AI-generated video clips on TikTok as proof of some rare kind of genius;

Wish grave misfortune upon all those who speak so loudly on their phones you can hear them clear across the street;

Hold in contempt anyone who spends an entire train journey cleaning their nose out without the aid of a tissue;

Eat nuts while shopping at the supermarket;

Same with chocolate;

And grapes;

Give 5 cents to a homeless person thinking it puts you in the running for a humanitarian award;

Scream at malfunctioning technology;

Fear that the robot vacuum cleaner is beginning to think for itself;

Look up the original lyrics of Auld Lang Syne and think, “this really is a silly song”;

Curse women who carry dogs around in prams;

Use men’s deodorant as insect repellant;

Look at the moon and wonder “is that real or is it a simulation?”

Stare at the vapour trail of a high-altitude aircraft and think: “That looks awesome even if it is a mind control agent”;

Want to wake up in an alternate reality where everything is exactly the same save for HR departments;

Wait more than 24 hours to pick an orange peel up from the kitchen floor;

Dump household garbage in other people’s wheelie bins at 2am;

Think that when the self-service register says “unauthorized item in bagging area” she wants to add “you idiot”;

Object to nose-rings, even though they do look ridiculous;

Pretend that tattoos on women is a good look;

Believe there is an omnipotent, omnipresent power to the Universe who is keeping count every time you evade the bus fare;

Quietly seeth over the lack of public conveniences for women;

Pray that the parents of screaming children have trouble starting their cars for the next year;

Inhale an entire pack of chocolate biscuits during a single Seinfeld binge session;

Mistake salt for sugar;

Try to discern the difference between men’s clogs and women’s clogs;

To not laugh out loud when someone drops their mobile on to the tram tracks and are unable to retrieve it before the arrival of the 3:47;

Use the weather as an excuse to not exercise every morning for two hours.

These are all true. Please take pity. No sympathy cards required.