I didn’t expect becoming a parent to make me rethink my relationship with my own parents quite so much. Not emotionally – that shift feels natural enough – but practically. Logistically. Almost diplomatically.
Because somewhere between sleepless nights, daycare drop-offs and trying to maintain two careers, a quiet question started to linger in our house: what do we actually want from grandparents? And just as importantly – what’s fair to ask?
When I was growing up, the idea of a grandparent felt more defined. They were either heavily involved – the regular babysitter, the school pick-up safety net – or they weren’t around much at all.
These days, it’s murkier.
Personally, I had both when I was growing up – two grandparents who lived nearby and were involved in my upbringing almost every day, and two others who I saw less frequently as they lived in another state at the time.
According to data from various online parenting resources, grandparents today typically see their grandchildren somewhere between two and four times a month, though about 41% see them weekly or even daily. Nearly two-thirds provide some form of regular childcare. But that range is doing a lot of work – because behind it are wildly different expectations, capacities and desires.
Some grandparents lean into what’s been dubbed “grandnannying” – a consistent, almost structured childcare role that allows parents like my wife and I to keep working. Others prefer something looser: occasional visits, special outings, the kind of involvement that feels like a treat rather than a responsibility.
And honestly, I can see both sides.
Nowadays, my mum lives nearby. She’s available, and we love that. She tells me she just wants to be a “typical grandparent”. But what does that even mean anymore?
Because when we need her – really need her – she’s there without hesitation. No guilt, no negotiation. Just help. And we’re incredibly lucky for that. But sometimes I find myself second-guessing how often we ask.
If we lean on her too much so we can work, is that unfair? Are we quietly turning her into unpaid childcare?
But if we don’t ask – if we hold back out of some sense of obligation – are we denying her something she actually wants? Time with her granddaughter. A sense of involvement. Purpose, even. There’s no manual for this part.
My wife’s parents are the opposite scenario. They live in the UK. Which means their role as grandparents is more intense, harder even, but intermittent.
When our daughter had a health scare, my mother-in-law dropped everything, got on a plane at short notice, and spent three weeks with us. Cooking, helping, supporting – doing the kind of things you don’t forget.
But day-to-day involvement? That’s just not possible.
So their time together becomes something else entirely. More concentrated. More precious. Less routine, more memory-making.
And it highlights something important: proximity isn’t just a logistical detail – it shapes the entire grandparent relationship.
One of the trickier, less talked-about aspects of grandparenting is discipline. Because let’s be honest – grandparents and parents don’t always see eye to eye.
Modern parenting leans heavily on emotional regulation, consistent boundaries, and approaches like those outlined in toddler behaviour guidance (for example, structured consequences and managing tantrums calmly rather than reactively). Older generations sometimes come from a more instinctive, less systematised place.
And neither is inherently “wrong” – but misalignment can create tension. We’ve had moments where we’ve thought: Should we say something? Or let it go?
Experts tend to suggest clarity over avoidance – having open conversations about expectations before issues arise. Not in a confrontational way, but in a “this is what we’re trying to do” tone.
Which sounds simple. Until it’s your own parents.
If I’m being honest – what we want isn’t constant help. And it’s not total independence either.
It’s something in between:
Family holidays are a good example of that balance. We love going away together – the shared time, the memories, the extra hands. But we also want them to travel, to enjoy their own lives, to not feel tethered to ours.
If there’s one thing I’ve realised, it’s that most of this comes down to communication – the kind we’re not always great at having.
Experts often suggest asking grandparents directly:
Simple questions. But surprisingly hard to ask.
Because underneath them is something deeper – a negotiation of roles, identity, and expectations across generations.
I don’t think there’s a universal answer to what grandparents “should” do anymore. Some will be deeply embedded in the day-to-day. Others will orbit more distantly but just as meaningfully.
What matters – at least from where I’m standing – is that it feels right for everyone involved. That no one feels taken for granted. That no one feels shut out.
And that somewhere in the middle of all that, our kids get what they really need: more people in their corner, loving them in different ways.
We’re still figuring it out. But maybe that’s the point.