A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter systematically pasting “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
The guy’s curiosity gets the better of him and he walks up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says: “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed: ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the guy.
The man replies: “I’m a divorce lawyer.”
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
“How are you grandpa?” he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And the nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?”
“No problem at all, I get nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that’s it. I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. “What are you people doing?” he asks. “I’m told you’re giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother: “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said: “So why’s the groom wearing black?”