An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife: “If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn’t worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.
The wife smiles: “Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!”
During a museum tour the guide explains: “Here you can see the beautiful statue of Athena.”
“Excuse me,” a visitor interjects. “Who is that man behind her? Is he her husband?”
“No,” answers the guide. “Athena wasn’t married. She was the goddess of wisdom.”
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said: “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”
The second lady chimed in with: “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
The third one responded: “Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have that problem. Knock on wood.” She rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said: “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”