A young man wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire himself out as a handy man and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for him to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” the owner said. “How much will you charge me?”
The man quickly responded: “How about $50?”
The owner agreed and told him that the paint and everything he would need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband: “Does he realise that our porch goes all the way around the house?”
The husband shrugged and went off on his way. A short time later, the man came to the door to collect his money.
“You’re finished already?” the husband asked.
“Yes,” the man replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the owner reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to him.
“And by the way,” the man added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said: “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”
The second lady chimed in with: “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
The third one responded: “Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have that problem. Knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”
In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.
When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said: “What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?”
Quick as a flash, the woman replied: “Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!”