1 A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. “You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. “I went to visit my Nana.” “No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done. “I took a ride on a choo-choo.” She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words.” She then asked Bobby what he had done. “I read a book,” he replied. “That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?” Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, “Winnie the Shit.”

2 Harry was shipwrecked on a deserted island. For several months, he longed for someone to talk to; searched the horizons for even the suggestion of a ship. One day, his commitment was rewarded: A beautiful woman was washed up onto the beach, floating on a large steamer trunk. Harry got her all settled, and fed, and dried off and they started talking. April asked Harry, “what is something you’ve REALLY missed being out here on a desserted island for so long?” “A clean shirt,” was Harry’s response. With a huff, April reached into the steamer trunk and tossed Harry a shirt. April let out a short huff, but persevered: “Surely there’s SOMETHING you’ve really missed out here … all alone … on an island with NOBODY all this time?” “Oh wow, YEAH, there sure is: I’d REALLY like a dry pillow to sleep on.” April reached into her steamer trunk once again and tossed Harry a pillow; and she would not be put off. Striking her most alluring pose, she asked in her most provocative voice, “C’mon, Harry, wouldn’t you like to play around?” Harry got all excited and started jumping up and down. “Don’t tell me you have a set of GOLF CLUBS in there, too?

3 A woman taking golf lessons had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee. Distraught, she went back into the clubhouse and told her golf teacher about the incident. “Where did it sting you?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole,” she replied. He shook his head and said: “That’s your problem right there. You had your feet too far apart!”

4 A store manager Bob stopped by a small manufacturing plant he spotted during his last trip through a part of the countryside in the hopes of gaining another client in the area. However, little did Bob know that the plant manager was going to be a tough customer to please. With a broad smile and a reassuring tone, Bob handed the plant manager a beautiful box of cigars as a gift, but the man barely gave it a sideways glance before he said, “No cigars for me, thank you. I smoked one once, and it was horrible.” Bob is nothing if not prepared, so he offered to take the plant manager out for a few beers, but again the suggestion missed the mark. “No alcohol for me, thank you. I drank it once, and it was horrible.” Not ready to give up just yet, Bob got a bright idea as he looked out the window and saw people playing golf. “That’s quite alright,” he told the plant manager. “How about you come and play a round of golf at my club as my personal guest?” However, for the third time, Bob’s luck struck out, as the plant manager replied, “No golf for me, thank you. I played the sport once, and it was horrible. ” The plant manager had barely finished his sentence when a young man joined them at the table. “Let me introduce my son, Jason,” the plant manager said. Surprised, Bob gave the young man a quick once over before he replied, “Let me guess, he is an only child?”