A woman was invited out for a night with the girls. Before she left, she promised her husband that she would be home by midnight.The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around three in the morning they all piled into a taxi and headed to their respective homes, quite inebriated.
Just as she walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times! Realising that her husband would probably wake up to this, she quickly cuckooed another nine times. She was quite pleased with herself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up her tardiness. Even with her impaired judgment, she could count three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!
The next morning, her husband asked her what time she got in, and confidently, she replied: “Midnight, just like I promised”. He didn’t even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper!
After a moment, he then replied: “I think we might need a new cuckoo clock”.
A bit nervously, she asked him why, to which he responded: “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said: ‘Oh, crap,’ cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted”.
A woman dies and goes to heaven. St Peter approaches her and says: “I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can”.
She sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can’t help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.
When St Peter returns she asks: “What’s the deal with the clocks?”
St Peter replies: “There is a clock on the wall for every married man on earth”.
She asks: “Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?”
St Peter replies: “That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery”.
The woman pauses for a moment and then asks: “Well, is my husband’s clock on the wall?”
St Peter replies: “Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan”.
Manny is almost 29 years old. His friends have already gotten married, but Manny still just dates and dates.
Finally, a friend asks him: “What’s the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can’t you find anyone who suits you?”
“No,” Manny replies. “I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them. So I keep on looking!”
“Listen,” his friend suggests. “Why don’t you find a girl who’s just like your dear ole mother?”
Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. “So, Manny, did you find that perfect girl yet, one that’s just like your mother?”
Manny shrugs his shoulders: “Yes, I found one just like mum. And my mother loved her, and they became fast friends”.
“So should I congratulate you? Are you and this girl engaged, yet?” the friend asks.
“I’m afraid not. My father can’t stand her!”