A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied: “I’m going to Las Vegas”.
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him: “I just found out that I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free”.
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said: “And just where do you think you’re going?”
“I’m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” She asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!”
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marvelling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard: “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The guard replies: “They are 3 million, four years and six months old”.
“That’s an awfully exact number,” replies the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”
The guard answers: “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: “Look mister, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologised and said he didn’t realise that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied: “You’re right. I’m sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years”.