Remember when we used to fly to far off places? Air stewards would make in-flight safety announcements, which were important but sometimes a little repetitive. Imagine being on the plane that received the following, genuine, announcements:

• To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works like almost every other seatbelt. However, if you don’t know how to operate a seatbelt then you probably also shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.
• As you exit the plan, please be sure to gather all your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave your children or spouses.
• There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this aeroplane.
• In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.
• Last one off the plane must clean it.

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