A man went to the supermarket and was there for about five minutes. When he came out he found a motorcycle policeman writing a parking ticket. So the man went up to him and said: “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?”
The officer ignored the man and continued writing the ticket. So the man called him a pencil-necked idiot. He glared at the man and started writing another ticket for worn tyres!
So the man then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he’s so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more the man insulted the officer, the more tickets he wrote. The man didn’t care. His car was parked around the corner.
The town is flooding and the building a man is standing on isn’t the tallest, so he decides to pray to God.
A boat comes along and it’s not very full, the man on the boat says: “Hey, the flood is rising quickly. Jump in the boat so you’ll be safe.”
The man on the roof shakes his head and says: “No, if I pray to God long enough, he will save me from the flood.”
The man in the boat floats away and half an hour later the water is up to the man’s ankles. Another boat comes along and the man on the boat says: “Come on you’ve been here for half an hour you’re gonna drown.”
The man again declines and says: “No, if I keep praying to God long and hard enough he will save me from this flood!” And the boat leaves.
Ten minutes later the man drowns. He goes up to heaven and he’s very upset with God. He asks Him: “I prayed to you for ages and you never saved me!”
And God replies: “What do you mean? I sent you two boats!”
The children were lined up in the dining room at a Catholic primary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made placed a note on the apple tray which read: “Take only one. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip biscuits. A child had written a note: “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”