A doctor was examining an old retired army veteran. He checked him over before asking: “When was the last time you had sex?”
With a long pause full of thought, the vet replies: “I would say probably 1955.”
Trying to hide his surprise, the doctor answered: “Well, it’s been a long while then?”
The vet looked up at the clock and answered: “I mean sure, it’s only 20:15 now, right?”
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!”
The next day, the second guy accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, very careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on. St Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
She says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship and ordered a Scotch with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said: “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said: “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As she finished her drink she ordered another one. Just one Scotch with two drops of water.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said: “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied: “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”