An airliner was having engine trouble and, after a few worrying moments of turbulence, the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply. “Except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”
An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and even escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
“Hey things are going great,” Satan replies. “We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies: “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have gone down there; send him up here.”
Satan says: “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says: “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”
A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a theatre show. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back.
He turned and gave the man a stern look and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man’s hands on his back.
“Excuse me,” the lawyer asked, “But why are you touching my back?”
“I’m a chiropractor,” the man replied. “And sometimes I can’t keep myself from practicing my skills.”
“Get control of yourself,” the lawyer shot back. “I’m an attorney, and you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”