On June 22, 2007 I had my last drink. Thanks to my faith in God and Alcoholics Anonymous I am still currently a sober, grateful alcoholic. I am 10 years, nine months, one week and four days sober.
I didn’t know I had a drinking problem until I decided I had a drinking problem. I spoke to a good friend of mine one day and told him I could not stop drinking. He asked me a few pertinent questions: Do I drink alone, can I go more than 24 hours without a drink, do I like to drink by myself, do I seem to drink more than my friends? I answered affirmatively to all. Then he said the words I did not want to hear… ‘You are an alcoholic. I know this because I have been one year and three months sober today!’ He recognised his addiction in what I had said.
A deep fear started inside of me. I was very scared. All kinds of scenarios played on my mind and as my anxiety level rose a myriad questions scrolled through my mind. I was concerned my husband leave me and take our children. I didn’t know where I could go to get sober. Part of me wondered if my dad being an alcoholic had something to do with my condition.
I found a few numbers in the phone book and although I called I could not bring myself to speak to anyone and hung up straight away. Then the phone rang, and it was the clinic calling me back, that’s when I started to cry and spilled my guts to a nameless voice on the other end of the phone. She told me what I had to do and how to do it, but I was afraid; afraid to commit to come into the centre for help. I had all kinds of excuses as to why not today. I was the poster child for procrastination.
It only took a year after that initial phone call before I entered the Behavioral Medical Centre in Redlands California in June 2007. There was a room with my name on it there. I was in rehab for drinking. The program required me to stay for 30 days, and my insurance would cover all of it. I shared a room with another woman, a police office who was addicted to pain pills. There were only about 24 of us in the program and were all women at that time.
To stop any possible seizures from the lack of the chemical alcohol in our systems, the nurses and doctors prescribed valium. I still recall my dose. I slept so well those six nights on valium. Then I was slowly weaned off the large does until I was down to zero milligrams on the eighth day. I had an appetite again, even if it was hospital food, and my face lost the swollen look.
At this time my ex had changed the locks on my home and told me not to come back. It was not my home anymore. I had nowhere to go. I am grateful to have met Kathryn, who had a house called Sober Living for Women and she rented out rooms to anyone who needed to come live there for a while. Of course, there was a charge for renting the room and I was sharing the house with other women in recovery but it beat living on the street. I moved in on the weekend of July 4, which is a holiday in the United States. While my ex was off to Mexico with his new girlfriend I was getting sober. It was hard cheese for me, especially as he’d left our boys on their own.
I stayed in Sober Living for nine months, then became the accommodation’s manager for the next four years. I also went back to college and got a business degree from California Baptist University. If that was not the hand of God over my life, tell me what is.
I am here writing this story as a reminder that I got through tremendous pain, heartbreak, and betrayal. There was so much hatred and jealously, but I am stronger, smarter and more knowledgeable about the detrimental effects of alcohol. I am genetically predisposed to being alcoholic because of my upbringing and my dad… I suffered the same way he did. I hated him for being alcoholic. Now I understand what he went through and how hard he had to fight to get sober in the end. I forgave him for his disease. Just as my sons have forgiven me for my disease.
My father died with 10 years sober under his belt. I am almost at 11 years sober. I never for a minute forget that I am not able to have one single drink, ever, at all. One drink is too many and 100 are never enough. I can’t relax with a glass of wine or have a beer in the hot weather or take a shot just for fun. I am not a ‘normal’ drinker. If I took a drink, the cycle would begin all over again and I would be back where I was 10 years ago. I believe there is a higher power is keeping me sober and I am grateful.