Tenacity?
A mad steak?
By wearing blinkers and earmuffs?
Well, all of the above!
Because a long marriage is like a life sentence, and feels like it some days. Okay, I am sort of kidding, but there’s a grain of truth in it too. At 19 you have no idea what you have let yourself in for, I know I didn’t. I had no idea that at times I would want to run away, or go anywhere to be alone, to balance this, we do laugh a lot too, as we share a wicked sense of humour. That helps enormously.
Coping with the bad times
Illness, the strain of having three teenagers to bring up, money problems. Those bumpy patches in the road, when it all gets too much. We all experience them whether we are rich or poor. It is far too easy to say you will cope with them, because sometimes you don’t! But try to think, ‘this will pass’ and if the problem is surmountable, then you will cope. You will say you’re sorry and start again. Trying to see it from your partner’s point of view does help a little.
Sharing the load
I think the glue that kept us together, when it might have been easier to throw in the towel, was the fact that we only had each other for the first five years. Being on your own a long way from parents and family means you just have to deal with it. We had a few really difficult times. I had TB and couldn’t tell my parents back in England, so I was in hospital for eight weeks in Auckland, and kept that a secret. Anyway we not only coped, but I had Kerry 10 months after I left hospital. Then our second child 19 months later so, I guess I got over it! Times were tough we had bare boards and very little furniture. The children had secondhand cots and prams…yet we survived and they did too. I didn’t work until the youngest was 3, and that was only shifts at a hospital, or working in a restaurant. But it helped us financially.
Shared interests
We like the same things; We are both artistic and like writing. Shared hobbies make it easier. I had very little time for hobbies when the children were small, although I did once paint a full-sized nude of me slightly covered by greenery – which used to scare the minister when he came to see us.
Eventually we met a great group of friends, ending up in a tiny Wiltshire village. It was a fabulous time, the friends we made are still friends 40 years later. We catch up if we go back for a holiday… and one came to visit recently – she lives here; we have known each other since she and I were 30. Now I shall soon be 75. That is a long friendship. The times in the village shaped our lives, we learned how to have fun, enjoy music and be social. As friends we helped each other with the problems that arise. They were some of the best years, and my husband started his own business during that time, so we became a bit more relaxed about money.
Attitude to life
Having changed countries three times we have had myriad experiences, some I have shared here on this site. None of the last few years have been smooth sailing, yet we are still here, and together. I am an optimist, my husband is mostly an optimist, but the only difference is that he sees the pitfalls when I see the sunshine. So I try to make him see the sunshine, and he points out the pitfalls. We do fight, and it can get pretty volatile, as I have changed from a meek, little, shrinking violet to a more opinionated woman. We have to change, but I am still the sort of wife who loves her husband, cooks for him, cares for him, and I would fight for him if I had to. I can’t look into the future, but for now I am content.
We are so lucky, we still have reasonable health – if you don’t count the dozen or so pills we take; and have great friends and a beautiful community. I have no recipe for success but seem to have attained it. Perhaps it’s a case of just keeping going, one day at a time. The other thing we share is a love of life, we know how to enjoy the small shaft of sunshine, that little windfall, or just a good day when it comes. I am not saying every marriage can be perfect, and the statistics would certainly blow that out of the water, but if you have a partner who is honest, caring and works for the good of the family, you have struck gold.
How long have you been married for? What is your secret? Tell us in the comments below…