If a kiss always leads to an invitation for sex, even a small gesture can start to feel loaded. Sexologist Emily Duncan explains how couples can make room for affection again.

A kiss in the kitchen can start to feel like a question if it’s the only time your partner kisses you. Do they want sex? Will they be disappointed if you just want the kiss? Before long, it can feel easier to turn back to the dishes.

Emily Duncan, eharmony’s sexologist, calls this “demand intimacy”: when physical affection becomes so closely tied to initiating sex that it starts to carry an expectation. She suggests bringing back the kind of touch both people can enjoy for its own sake, whether that’s a cuddle before getting out of bed or holding hands on a walk.

“Loving your partner and wanting sex are two separate experiences,” Duncan says.

“There are lots of reasons you might not feel like having sex, including fatigue, stress, your physical or mental health, hormonal changes, or simply that sex isn’t being approached in a way that works for you.”

When desire takes time to build

Duncan describes a pattern called responsive desire. For some people, interest in sex can emerge once they already feel relaxed, close or aroused. The setting matters, as does being able to enjoy affection without feeling obliged to go further.

After years together, it’s easy to assume you know what your partner likes. Duncan suggests asking again. What felt good 10 years ago may have changed, and one partner may miss the small gestures the other barely remembers dropping.

“One of the biggest things is assuming that because you’ve been together for years, you already know everything about your partner,” Duncan says. “But people change, and so do their needs and desires.”

Have the conversation away from the bedroom

Duncan suggests choosing a time when neither person is initiating sex or turning it down.

Start with what you miss and what you’d enjoy doing together. One person might miss kissing for the fun of it and the other might have been quietly worrying that sex would hurt.

“I always recommend visiting your GP for a check-up to rule out anything that might be contributing, particularly if you’re experiencing discomfort or a noticeable change in desire,” Duncan says.

The Australasian Menopause Society also points to stress, some medicines and menopause symptoms among the factors that can affect sexual wellbeing.

Three things you could try this week

1. Pick one affectionate gesture you both like. It might be a longer kiss goodbye or a cuddle before sleep. Agree that it can end there.
2. Put the phones down and ask a question you don’t already know the answer to. Try “When do you feel closest to me these days?” Give each other time to answer.
3. If you both want to talk about sex, try Duncan’s “yes, no, maybe” list. Write down what you enjoy, what you’d rather leave out and what you might be curious to try. Share only what you’re comfortable discussing.

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