When a loved one passes the feeling is usually one of heartbreak and sadness, but one daughter has made sure her father is still bringing smiles to everyone’s faces with his joking personality and various pranks on full display in a hilarious obituary.
Joe Heller passed away on September 8, with his daughter Monique penning the perfect account of his life in a piece, published by Robinson, Wright & Weymer Funeral Home, which has quickly sent the world into a spin thanks to its sheer honesty and detail of the dad’s “cheap mischief” and wacky fashion. Born on January 24, 1937, Monique explained Joe’s devious pranks started early as he took on the role of every eldest child by picking on his younger siblings.
“Being the eldest was a dubious task but he was up for the challenge and led and tortured his siblings through a childhood of obnoxious pranks with his brother Bob, generally serving as his wingman,” the daughter began. “Pat, Dick and Kathy were often on the receiving end of such lessons as ‘Ding Dong, Dogs**t and thwarting lunch thieves with laxative-laced chocolate cake and excrement meatloaf sandwiches.”
However, Monique explained it wasn’t just the siblings who fell victim to the pranks, with Joe’s mum falling for the tricks when he decided to name his first dog Fart. This resulted in the mother having to scream out his name to come home if he had wandered off.
Growing up, Joe took on a role in the Navy and upon his return, he worked at Cheeseborough-Ponds where he helped to develop one of the company’s first cosmetics lines. It was there Monique explained his father met the woman who would soon become his wife .
Still dumbfounded how Joe managed to woo the very proper Irene, the daughter said her father “embarrassed her daily with his mouth and choice of clothing”. “To this day we do not understand how he convinced our mother, an exceedingly proper woman and a pillar of her church, to sew and create the colourful costumes and props which he used for his antics,” Monique explained.
“Growing up in Joe’s household was never dull. If the old adage of ‘you only pull the hair of those you love’ holds true, his three daughters were well loved. Joe was a frequent customer of the girls’ beauty shops, allowing them to ‘do’ his hair and apply make-up liberally. He lovingly assembled doll furniture and built them a play kitchen and forts in the back yard.”
As they got older Monique said Joe didn’t back down, especially when it came to the kids bringing home dates. According to the daughter, her dad would run their licence plates and check for bald tyres, before they were invited into the house where sat an array of shotguns, harpoons and sheep “nutters” just to add a bit of fright to the situation.
After retirement, Joe took on the role of “dawg kecher’ and would try to find homes for strays – including one called “A**hole” because no one would keep him for long. But the dad’s love of that dog was strong and Monique said “he would take his buddy on daily rides in his van” where “the breeze blowing through both of their fur”.
Another hobby of Joe’s was a visit to the local dump where he never failed to find some amazing item to bring home. This according to Monique created a “house full of c**p” with 300 pounds of birdseed and dead houseplants that they had no idea what to do with.
“If there was ever a treasure that he snatched out from under you among the mounds of junk, please wait the appropriate amount of time to contact the family to claim your loot,” Monique wrote. “We’re available tomorrow.”
As well as being a loving father, Joe was also a grandfather and hoped “that he taught at least one of them to cuss properly”. In planning for his memorial Monique said they had a few small requests to make the process a little easier.
“The family is seeking donations to offset the expense of publishing an exceedingly long obituary which would have really p***ed Joe off,” she explained. “Seriously, what would have made him the happiest is for you to go have a cup of coffee with a friend and bulls**t about his antics or play a harmless prank on some unsuspecting sap. If we still haven’t dissuaded you and you feel compelled to waste your hard-earned money to honour his memory. Feel free to be as late as you’d like as Joe was never on time for anything because of the aforementioned napping habits.
“Joe despised formality and stuffiness and would really be ticked off if you showed up in a suit. Dress comfortably. The family encourages you to don the most inappropriate T-Shirt that you are comfortable being seen in public with as Joe often did.”
In signing off Monique explained: “Joe faced his death and his mortality, as he did with his life, face on, often telling us that when he dropped dead to dig a hole in the back yard and just roll him in. Much to his disappointment, he will be properly interred with full military honours.” Adding: “Sorry, um, Lisette and I did the best we could to take care of him and keep him out of your hair as long as we could. Back in your court now.”