Dear Bess,
I am 68 years old and I have always prided myself on keeping up with things. I have a smartphone, I use email, I even do my banking online. But my teenage grandchildren – there are three of them, aged 14, 16 and 17 – will simply not talk on the phone. I ring, it goes to voicemail. I leave a message, nothing. My daughter tells me they “don’t do calls” and that I should just text them or message them on Instagram. I tried WhatsApp but I am not entirely sure I am doing it right. Someone mentioned TikTok and I nearly fell off my chair. I am not against technology, but I do feel as though I am being asked to learn a new language just to speak to my own grandchildren. Is this really what it has come to? And if it has, where on earth do I start?
— Bewildered in Ballarat
Dear Bewildered,
I want to start by saying something that might surprise you: you are already ahead of most people your age, and probably ahead of a few people considerably younger. You have a smartphone, you do online banking, you use email. That is not nothing – that is actually a very solid foundation for what comes next. You are not starting from scratch. You are just being asked to add one more room to a house you have already built.
Now, about that phone call problem.
It is not personal. It is generational.
I know it feels like a snub. You ring, they don’t answer. You leave a warm message, it sits there unlistened to like a letter that never gets opened. It can feel dismissive, even rude, and I understand why it stings when it comes from people you love.
But here is what your daughter is telling you, and she is right: for teenagers today, a phone ringing unexpectedly is not a warm invitation to connect. It is, genuinely, a source of anxiety. This is not a joke, and it is not laziness. Studies consistently show that young people find unscheduled calls confronting – there is no time to think, no time to compose themselves, no script. A text or a message, on the other hand, gives them a moment to gather their thoughts before they respond. It is the communication equivalent of knocking before you enter, rather than flinging the door open.
Once you understand that, the silence after your voicemail stops feeling like indifference and starts feeling like something you can actually solve.
Forget TikTok for now – whoever mentioned it to you was getting ahead of themselves. Start where the barrier is lowest, and that is WhatsApp. If you are already on it, you are closer than you think to using it well. Here is the simple truth about WhatsApp with teenagers: short is better than long. A voice note saying “thinking of you, hope your week is good” takes ten seconds to record and will get a response far more reliably than a paragraph of text. Teenagers love voice notes precisely because they feel personal without being as demanding as a call. You still get to hear each other’s voices. Nobody has to be ready.
Try it this week. Pick one grandchild, record a fifteen-second voice note – something light, something about your day, something funny if you can manage it – and send it. Don’t ask a direct question that demands a response. Just send it like a small gift, with no strings attached. You may be surprised what comes back.
If one of your grandchildren is on Instagram, ask them – or ask your daughter – if they would be comfortable with you following them. This is not surveillance. It is interest. When you can see what they are posting, you have something real to talk about next time you are together or messaging. “I saw you went to that concert – was it good?” is a far better opener than “so, how is school?” which is the conversational equivalent of asking someone about their commute.
You do not need to post anything yourself. You do not need to understand all of it. You just need a window into their world, and Instagram gives you that quietly, without requiring anything of either of you.
Here is the move that changes everything, and it costs you nothing but a little pride. The next time you see your grandchildren in person, or even over WhatsApp, ask one of them to show you something on their phone. It does not matter what – a filter, an app, how to do something you have been quietly baffled by. The moment you ask a teenager to be the expert in the room, something shifts. They lean in. They become generous and patient in a way that can genuinely catch you off guard. And they remember it, because you treated them as someone worth learning from.
You are not being asked to become someone you are not. You are simply being asked to meet your grandchildren on ground that feels safe to them – and then, gradually, to make that ground somewhere they want to meet you too.
You have already done harder things than learning WhatsApp. I promise.
— Bess
Got a tricky relationship issue or a personal question you’ve been too embarrassed to ask? Whether it’s about love, dating, sex, friendship, family or blended households, Bess Strachan is here to help. With wisdom, warmth and just the right amount of honesty, Bess tackles the questions many over-60s are quietly wondering — but might not feel comfortable saying out loud. No judgement, just smart, thoughtful advice from someone who understands life doesn’t stop getting complicated after sixty. Submit your question anonymously to editor@startsat60.com and let Bess guide you through it — because you’re definitely not the only one asking.