2. An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. “So, what is it?” grumbled the governor. “Judge Garber has just died” said the attorney, “and I want to take his place.” The governor replied: “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the undertaker.”
3. Two women were playing golf. On the third hole there was a group of 4 men in front of them, but about 160 metres down the fairway. The first woman said I’ll tee off he is far enough away. She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs. She ran to him, apologizing and saying “let me help I am a physical therapist.” He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him. “How does that feel?” she asked. He said, “Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”
4. My son and his wife stopped by Sunday unannounced to visit. I wouldn’t answer the door but I did hold up my new medicine container and pointed to the instructions. Instructions read: ‘Take one tablet before bedtime and Keep away from children.’
5. A customer at Green’s Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence. “Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?” “I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.” “You sell them here?” the customer asks. “Only $4 apiece,” says Green. The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter. “You didn’t eat enough, ” says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry. “Hey, Green,” he says, “You’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off!” “You see?” says Green. “You’re getting smarter already!”
6. Don’t take life too seriously. You will not get out of it alive.
7. A wife asks her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?” He looks at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humor!”