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One day a father on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday.
He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the salesperson, “How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?”
The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.95”.
The amazed father asks: “It’s what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”
The slightly miffed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs and answers:
“Sir… Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Truck, Ken’s House, Ken’s Fishing Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends and a key chain made from Ken’s testicles”.
There were two cows out in a field, talking to each other.
The first cow said, “I tell you, this Mad Cow Disease is really pretty scary. They say it’s spreading fast — I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.”
The other cow replies, “I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us ducks.”
A man was chatting to his six-year-old son. The little boy watched a lot of TV, so the dad asked: “If you found a couple of dollars and had to spend it, what would you buy?”
“A box of tampons,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampons?” said the father, rather confused. “What would you do with them?”
“Well,” said the little boy. “I don’t know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars. With tampons, it says on the TV that you can go swimming, horseback riding, and skating any time you want to!”
Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
They enter Heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Well, along comes St Peter with the most unattractive man she’s ever seen. St Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely unattractive man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks.
Then one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He was tall, had long eyelashes and was quite muscular. St Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The man turns to her and says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
A dog walks into the bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, “Hey barkeep, it’s my birthday today. How ’bout a free drink?”
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, “Sure pal, toilet’s right down the hall.”
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