Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. “I’ve got a wife and three kids and I’d love to have you visit us.” “Great. Where do you live?” “Here’s the address. And there’s plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I’ll let you in.” “Good. But tell me … what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?” “Surely, you’re not coming empty-handed.”

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. .He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. . The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” . There is a silence, then a shot is heard. . Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny cried all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him what was wrong and finally, the boy sobbed, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

A man was walking down a street in Washington. A man walking behind him suddenly pulled out a gun and said, “Gimme all your money, now!” The victim said, “You can’t do this to me! I’m a Congressman!” The robber thought for a moment, then said, “In that case, gimme all of MY money!”

Dear God, When I get to heaven, can I sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?Also, are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Thank You God, The Dog