Some jokes you see coming from a mile away and laugh anyway. Others blindside you entirely. These five manage both — the memorial stone one in particular deserves to be read twice, just to fully appreciate how good it is. Pour yourself something warm and enjoy.
1 The following is supposedly a true story. One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping. He didn’t realise how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note: “Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad.”
2 Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. “Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said. “I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?” “All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.” “No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?” Helen answered. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.” Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!” “Two and a half carats.”
3 My wife asked why I spoke so softly in the house. I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
4 A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie’s lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it. Lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, “Nope. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what’ll it be?” The woman didn’t hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.” The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good, but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.” The woman thought for a minute. She said, “Well, I’ve been trying to find the right husband. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, has a great sense of humor and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time and is faithful. That’s what I wish for. A good mate.” The Genie let out a long sigh and said, “Let me see that map again.”
5 What’s the reason you don’t hear a lot of fondue jokes? Most of the time, they’re excessively cheesy.