Some jokes are clever. Some are silly. The best ones are both at once – and deliver a punchline that makes you laugh out loud and then immediately want to tell someone else. These five tick every box. The snail one in particular. You’ll see.
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.” The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, “I’d calm down if I were you.” The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!” The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad.” ” Rubbish,” replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him as a charred, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. “What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?” The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder and then stick it in his ear.”
I was working in my downtown flower shop, when I noticed a man grab a bouquet and head for the door without paying. By the time I got to the door, he was halfway down the block. As I ran after him, I heard a woman across the street yell, “Run, Florist, Run!”
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake … He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’ The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. ‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy … Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’ The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No … not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times …’
A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said it is quite cold out here can I come in? The man shouted NO why don’t you all understand I want to be alone! and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, What did you do that for?
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.” The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.” The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!”