Jim and his two friends were in a bar, talking. His first friend said: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine”.
His second friend said: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine”.
Jim said: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse”.
Both his friends looked at him with utter disbelief.
“No I’m serious,” he added. “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”
A woman in her late thirties is at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks: “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says: “I don’t care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old”.
The husband replies: “What did he say about your 42-year old arse?”
“Your name never came up,” she replied.
Two men were working at the sawmill and one guy got too close to the saw and cut his ear off. It fell in the sawdust pit so he jumped down into the pit and was hunting around trying to find it.
The second guy saw him and hollered down: “What’re you doing?”
The first man said that he had cut off his ear and was looking for it.
The second guy said: “I’ll help you”, and jumped in the pit. He was searching around on his hands and knees and then hollered, “I found it!”
The first guy took it and examined it closely, then said: “Keep looking. Mine had a pencil behind it”.