Six retired men are playing poker in one of their apartments when Mike loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
One of the men looks around and asks: “Oh boys, someone got to tell Mike’s wife. Who will it be?”
They draw straws and Paul picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse. “Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”
Paul goes over to Mike’s house and knocks on the door. His wife answers, and asks what he wants. Paul declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game, and is afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead!” says Mike’s wife.
“I’ll go tell him,” says Paul.
It always irked Jane that her grocery store didn’t carry eggs in packages of six — just by the dozen. She sent in complaint after complaint to try and get her message across.
Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six! She was so excited, she bought two!
A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says: “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube.”
The man says: “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”
“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
“I can’t do that either. I am a haemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”
“Well, then, we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”
“All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m drunk.”