A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively: “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs: “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says: “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations”.
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs: “What do you mean your services cost $200?!”
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him: “How do you expect to get into heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said: “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says: ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’.”
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads: “Talking Dog for Sale”. Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner: “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says: “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”