A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size eight shoes. The salesman says: “But, sir, I can see from up here you’re at least a size 11.”
The guy says: “Just bring me a size eight shoe.”
The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain. The salesman just has to ask: “Sir, why must you have these undersized shoes?”
He says to the salesman: “I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is having an affair with my best friend and my daughter is pregnant. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these damn shoes.”
A man had just woken up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said: “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said: “You’re cute!”
Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”
She said: “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
His reply was: “I think the drugs are wearing off!”
Jim and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”
His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
Jim says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
“No I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”