A man was dragged to a concert by his wife. Half an hour after it began he felt an elbow nudge him in the side.
“What an outrage,” his wife murmured. “The person in front of us is asleep!”
Her husband replied: “You mean, you woke me up to tell me that?”
Two rednecks are walking down different ends of a street towards each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says: “Hey Tommy, what ya got in that bag?”
“Just some chickens.”
“If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?”
“Shoot, ya guess right and I’ll give you both of them.”
“Okay! Umm, five?”
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. “Darling, whatever is the matter?” he asks.
“Sweetheart,” she sobs. “The most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first beef bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone,” she sobbed again. “I found that the cat had eaten it!”
“Don’t worry, darling,” said her husband. “Don’t cry. We’ll get a new cat in the morning.”