A screaming, yelling mob were tearing up the main street of the city as they ran away from the local zoo. A policeman stopped one runner and asked: “What’s happening?”
“A lion has escaped,” he gasped.
“Which way did it go?” enquired the officer.
“Well, we’re not bloody chasing it!”
A man is stranded on a desert island. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says: “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years,” he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: “Man, oh man! Is that good!”
Then she asks: “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”
He replies: “Ten years!”
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says: “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then, with a mischievous and flirty smile, she says to him: “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”
The man replies: “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. She moaned to her mum and brother: “Nobody loves me. The whole world hates me!”
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: “That’s not true, Mary. Some people don’t even know you.”