A man decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest model chainsaw and assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day with it.
But the first day, the man barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of one and a half cords of wood.
He returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation.
“Well,” said the salesman. “Let’s see what’s the matter.” He then pulled the cable and the chain saw sprang into action.
Leaping back, the man shouted: “What the heck is that noise?”
Two married friends were out drinking one night, when one turned to the other and started complaining about his home situation.
“You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife still wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His friend looked at him and said: “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, use the full flush on the toilet, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed and say: ‘Do you want to make love?’ and every single time she acts like she’s sound asleep!”
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled ‘You Can Be The Man of Your House’.
He stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife: “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert”.
He went one: “After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of evening that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
“Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
His wife Gina replied: “The funeral director would be my first guess”.