One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems like she’s doing fine, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems fine, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.
“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him he whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”
“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
Three women in their thirties die and go to heaven. Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St Peter. He tells them: “All of you led very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be allowed entry into paradise. The only rule is: Don’t step on the ducks.”
Confused, they all ask: “Um… what?”
St Peter explains: “If you step on one duck, it quacks. If a duck quacks, other ducks will start quacking, and, well… you’ll see.”
With that, the gates open and the three waltz inside. And sure enough, all of heaven is covered with ducks. So much so that there is almost no room to walk.
After a day of careful stepping, the first woman steps on a duck. Seconds later, every single duck in heaven is quacking. It’s so loud the women wouldn’t be surprised if everyone on earth could hear. Hours later, an angel appears with a very ugly man. She chains him to the lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping.
Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck. She gets the same punishment as the first lady.
The third lady becomes so careful that a year-and-a-half later she is still duck-free. One day however, an angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her.
Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully: “What did I do to deserve this?”
And the man replies with a grimace: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”