A couple of years ago I sat down with a bloke for coffee at Mario’s cafe in Melbourne’s Brunswick Street. Mario’s is an institution and still serves one of the best coffees in the city – it’s one of those cafes that doesn’t serve large coffees and NEVER serves it piping hot. Soy? You’ve got to be joking!

None of which has anything to do with my meeting! My companion was a thumping big man with a heart of gold. His big paw engulfed mine and before we got down to business, he stared down at me and asked “Have you done your best work yet?”.

This pinned my ears back a bit because it came at me unexpectedly, and it was a challenging question. I stumbled out a couple of lame positives – good footy career, well-balanced and loving children – and I think my general answer was “yeah”.

But he eyeballed me and asked me again, “Have you done your best work yet?”, but this time more forcefully. So I stumbled through some more answers – successful business career, loyal friends – and thought I was over the line.

And then he issued the coup de gras, “Have you done your best work yet? This is a yes or no question”.

It was then that I realised I was answering NO. I hadn’t done my best work yet. Indeed, the fact that I hadn’t done it had eaten away at me for many years and was the cause of much of my malaise in earlier times.

But my latter years have shown me ways of redressing this, of filling that gap in my heart.

I immediately started asking others the same question and, by and large, my male friends said “no”. Many, if not most, had past or ongoing careers that by any measure could be interpreted as successful. They were achievers and outwardly appeared to have achieved great works in all aspects of their lives.

So why do men say “no”?

Women are more likely to respond with a positive and that makes perfect sense. They have often been the bearers and nurturers of children and that can be interpreted as a person’s best work. And so it is. 

But whether it is because of the male ego or whether it is in the depths of our souls, there’s often an emptiness in men’s lives. They have spent their lives hidden behind a construct of psychological mirrors, never looking beyond the self they see reflected back at them. Family, friends, community and the workplace are all out there but are rarely connected. We actually become bored, and possibly boring. Our head is ruling us and our hearts are crying out.

How to overcome this cry from the heart?

Learning the art of giving is possibly the most proven way of changing how you feel. Giving or giving back are effectively the same thing and can come in many forms. It doesn’t necessarily mean money, it could mean time, it could mean helping others less fortunate than yourself, helping animals. Or serving breakfast to the poor, those who are down and out or those who are alone. Or helping the elderly.

 I am still surprised by the number of men I meet who are over 60 and desperate to find new challenges. They may have been middle and upper managers and leaders, yet the moment their careers end and the phone stops ringing, they become lost.

You may have noticed that I’m directing this to men rather than women. This is because it’s mainly the men who have been consumed by their own ‘selfness. Or is that self-importance or selfishness? Whatever, the answer is the same: they are bored yet unable to look outside the old square.

Yet, there is so much to do, so many ways of giving.

One of the special ways I am exploring and developing at the moment is mentoring. Men’s ‘intellectual property’ or intellectual Intelligence can be a force for good. Business skills can be taught, but what about teaching life skills?

There is so much to do and so little time to do it. How exciting! How much are you engaging with your children and your grandchildren? It saddens me to watch whole families at restaurants with everyone on their devices, all in their own world and sharing nothing.

There’s a useful saying: “When you’ve got a little, give a little. When you’ve got a lot, give a lot”. But start now. You will discover the missing piece in your life, learn how giving of ourselves to others and to the community without financial reward is often the piece missing in our lives.

We have so much to give. Teach that philosophy to your kids – but also teach it yourself. It’s never too late.