Marriage counsellors have heard it all. The resentments, the silences, the socks on the floor, the late nights at the pub. But we are fairly confident they have never heard anything quite like this. These five jokes about marriage counselling are the kind that make you groan, then grin, then immediately want to tell someone sitting nearby. The last one – involving a young man torn between two women, one a poet and one a cook – contains what may be the finest pun we have published all year. We will say no more. Read on at your own risk.
Husband to counselor: We were very happy for 22 years. Counselor: What happened?
Husband: We got married. Counselor, turning to wife: Do you agree with your husband’s assessment of your marriage?
Wife: Yes, the only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
A husband and wife go to a marriage counsellor for the first time. As soon as they sit down, the wife starts complaining about the husband.
“He never cleans up, he never cooks for the family, and he doesn’t say he loves me enough…”
This continues for some time until finally the counsellor stands up and tells the wife to stop. He then says, “Stand up and walk over to me.”
As soon as she walks over, the counsellor grabs her tightly and gives her a passionate kiss. He then looks over to the husband and says, “See? That’s all she needs two to three times a week to be happy.”
The husband laughs excitedly and says, “That’s great, Doc! I can drop her off every Monday and Wednesday.”
My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning I said, “Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep”
Marriage counselor: What’s the problem? Me: My wife needs help. Every night, she’s roaming from one bar to another. She has to stop it. Marriage counselor: Is she an alcoholic? Me: No, she’s looking for me
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
“Oh.” said the counselor. “I see what the problem is. You can’t decide whether to marry for batter or verse.”