There are two kinds of people in the world: those who play golf, and those who have spent considerable time waiting for someone who plays golf to finish telling a story about it. Either way, these eleven jokes are for you. They cover the full sweep of the game – the terrible rounds, the convenient lies, the man who married on the same day he sank a 45-foot putt, the Scots who invented 18 holes to match a bottle of whiskey, and the caddie who delivered possibly the most devastating one-liner in the history of the sport. There is also a ball you cannot lose, which turns out to have been found. Read on – these are the jokes that golfers will immediately recognise and everyone else will finally understand why golfers are the way they are.
Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy some more.
Why do golfers always carry a spare pair of trousers with them? In case they get a hole in one.
A guy on holiday finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse. The head pro says, “Did you have a good time out there?” The man replied “Fabulous, thank you.”“You’re welcome,” said the pro. “How did you find the greens?” “Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were.”
After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th. He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.” The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”
What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman? When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.
You spend too much time thinking about golf! Do you even remember the day we got married? Of course I do! It was the same day I sank that 45-foot putt.
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game, went to the pro and said, “I’ve been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider? The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it.”
What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm? Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even Mother Nature can’t hit a 1-iron.
Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day? A golf course!
Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course? Because that’s how long it took the Scots who invented the game to finish their bottle of whiskey!
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, “Hey, why don’t you try this ball?” He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. “You can’t lose it.” His friend replies, “What do you mean you can’t lose it?!” The first man replies, “I’m serious, you can’t lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.” Obviously, his friend doesn’t believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, “Wow! That’s incredible! Where did you get that ball?!” The man replies, “I found it.”