Sex & Relationships writer Bess Strachan tackles the difficult questions
There comes a point in every woman’s life – usually sometime after 60 – when she notices a curious phenomenon.
Men her age are not single.
They are dating.
And not her.
They are dating women who still say things like “I’ve never seen that movie” and “I don’t remember when that song came out.” Women whose knees bend without a sound effect. Women who think a Superannuation Statement is a new fitness app.
And thus begins the irritation.
Because let’s be honest: it’s not heartbreak. We’re not secretly pining for Gary from accounts with the dodgy hip and the emotional range of a teaspoon. It’s the injustice of it all. The audacity. The biological loophole.
So why do men over 60 date younger women?
The Male Perspective (Brace Yourself)
Men will tell you – earnestly, defensively – that it’s not about age at all.
“It just happened.”
“We connected.”
“She makes me feel young.”
“She doesn’t nag.”
Ah yes. She doesn’t nag. Otherwise known as: she hasn’t yet learned your habits.
Men over 60 are often coming out of long marriages or long routines. They are tired of being known too well. A younger woman doesn’t remember how they were in 1997. She hasn’t heard the same story 14 times. She still laughs when he explains how carburettors work.
To her, he is wise.
To us, he is repeating himself.
There is also – and we must be grown-ups about this – biology. Men age differently. Society tells them they are “distinguished” while women are “letting themselves go.” A man with grey hair is George Clooney. A woman with grey hair is told she’s “brave.”
Add to that the small blue pharmaceutical elephant in the room.
Yes. Erectile dysfunction is common in men over 60. Very common. Which means a surprising amount of these May–December romances are quietly fuelled by chemistry – the pharmacy kind.
Romantic? Maybe. Sustainable? That depends on the repeat prescription.
The Female Perspective (Now We’re Talking)
Why does it irritate older women so much?
Because it feels personal – even when it isn’t.
It feels like we’ve done the hard yards: raised children, supported careers, survived menopause, wrinkles, invisibility – and just when it might be our turn to be desired, the men our age are shopping in a different aisle.
It also pokes at a deep, unspoken fear: that ageing for women comes with erasure, while ageing for men comes with options.
And then there’s the unholy trinity of thoughts:
Would he have dated me when I was that age?
Does he think women his age are “too old”?
Does she know what she’s signing up for?
Which brings us neatly to the maths.
The Age-Gap Equation: What’s Acceptable?
Let’s break it down.
Five years younger?
Perfectly fine. Barely worth mentioning. That’s just scheduling logistics and better eyesight.
Ten years younger?
Now we’re noticing – but still within the realm of “love finds a way.” Some shared references remain. They may both remember dial-up internet.
Fifteen years younger?
This is where the eyebrow lifts. Not judgment – concern. Cultural references are thinning. Energy levels diverge. One is thinking about retirement villages, the other about Pilates memberships.
Twenty-plus years younger?
Now we’re firmly in societal discussion territory.
And yes – there is a generally agreed, unspoken line:
If your girlfriend is younger than your daughter, people will struggle.
Not because it’s illegal.
Not because it’s impossible.
But because it raises questions no one wants answered at a barbecue.
Is It Always Wrong? No.
Sometimes it’s genuine. Sometimes it works. Sometimes the younger woman knows exactly what she’s doing and is perfectly happy with a man who owns his home outright and goes to bed at 9:30pm.
And sometimes – let’s be honest – the man is enjoying the illusion that he has paused time, while the woman is enjoying the illusion that he has wisdom.
Both illusions fade.
The Real Issue Isn’t the Age Gap
It’s the imbalance.
Older women are rarely offered the same freedom without commentary. A woman over 60 dating a man 15 years younger is labelled “desperate,” “delusional,” or “trying too hard.” A man doing the same is “lucky.”
That double standard stings.
And yet – here’s the uncomfortable truth – irritation won’t stop it. Nor will outrage. Love, lust and loneliness are stubborn forces.
So perhaps the best response isn’t anger, but clarity.
If he’s happy – genuinely happy – good luck to him.
If she knows what she’s signing up for – fair enough.
And if we’re irritated? Maybe that’s less about them – and more about how society still values women’s youth more than women themselves.
Which, frankly, is overdue for a rethink.
And if nothing else, let us take comfort in this: Viagra may keep the fantasy alive – but time eventually catches everyone.
Even Gary from accounts.