“It was overwhelming. When John stopped working, my life suddenly felt clustered, consumed and I didn’t know what to do. It was like the freedom I had enjoyed for so many years was suddenly gone and I felt like I was “on duty” every hour of every day. I wasn’t a pushover wife at all, but I did take my role as a wife seriously and out of love for my husband I did my best to make sure he was always happy when he was at home.
I went from cooking dinner especially for him to feeling like breakfast, lunch and everything in between needed to be prepared as I would do dinner. I felt like I couldn’t just have a lazy day and wear my daggy clothes and even watch some TV. John didn’t expect all of this of me, but I felt like I had to do it, after all for most of our married life when he was at home this is how I acted… I just didn’t prepare myself for the day he retired and how much it would change the dynamics of things.”
This story sent in by Mary* is one of so many about the way women are affected when their husbands make the decision to retire from work. Without realising it, for many couples it can be a huge culture shock and it is something that most of us don’t realise. And now, the science is proving that it is actually a serious health problem in women.
A study lead by Italian researchers, Dr Bertoni and Dr Brunello, studies Japanese women over five years when their husbands were likely to retire. Japan is a country with traditional gender-specific roles so the results were likely to be highly sensitive, however the researchers confirmed the results are applicable to almost any culture.
The study found that when husbands retired, their wives had increased stress and anxiety levels as a result of the increased demand for housework, increased time spent doing duties and activities typical of a wife and doing things at the husband’s request.
Each woman involved in the study was given a “retired husband score” based on their emotional stress levels, and the researchers found that the score increased by 6-14% with every additional year the husband had been retired.
The study overall found that 47% of wives had emotional problems upon their husband retiring, 23% were found to be depressed and 16% were experiencing sleeping problems.
The health effects of this are very real and they don’t just exist for women, as men face their own challenges upon retiring. But how can we mitigate this and give ourselves the best chance of happiness during retirement?
My parents have always done their best to share the housework duties while both worked and they always considered their roles around the home equal. There are things that my father routinely did (and still does!) like the mowing, the bill paying and so forth while my mother has always been the one to do the ironing, but overall the roles around the home were equal and they have for the most part, always been very happy.
Science has always suggested that communication is the best way to eliminate emotional stress from relationships, so is communication the best way to avoid feelings of stress and anxiety between yourself and your husband or wife in post-retirement life?
The “retired hubby syndrome” appears to be very real for many women, so how can we stop more from suffering? How did you transition in retirement with your partner? Did you struggle with each other’s constant presence? What advice can you give to other couples going through the same thing? Share your thoughts in the comments below…
