When my 96-year-old stepfather had a fall, which, luckily, wasn’t too serious, it made me think that I’d never asked him and my 84-year-old mother what they wanted for their funerals – did they want to be buried or cremated?

To my surprise they said they hadn’t really thought about it. I diplomatically pointed out that, contrary to what they might like, they weren’t going to live forever, and, as the child who would be tasked with ensuring their final wishes would be carried out, it would be helpful to know what they were.

So I contacted a local funeral establishment and enquired about funeral plans. Their representative arrived with a guide to planning a funeral in advance, outlining everything that would be needed when they passed away.

By the time we got to the end of the document I was extremely grateful I’d arranged this. For a start, I hadn’t realised that, as theirs was a second marriage for both of them, they’d need to fill in the details of their first spouses, including date of birth and death and marriage, as these were required by the Registrar of Births, Deaths & Marriages. The names and dates of birth of any children were also needed.

Now, my mother had always been a bit of a hoarder (oops, sorry, expert sentimental memento collector), which came in handy as she’d kept not only all her certificates (birth, marriage etc), but my stepfather’s as well. Like some people, my stepfather found important dates eluded him, so having the certificates made everything a lot easier.

Apart from the above details, the guide also had pages for recording preferences for the kind and location of service, donations to a favourite charity in lieu of flowers, type of coffin etc., as well as Estate information, such as bank accounts and superannuation fund, which would be helpful for the executor.

Six months later my stepfather died. I was grateful I had all the information needed as it would have been very stressful to have to ask Mum for all those details when she was grieving. Five years further on my mother died and I felt confident that I could fulfil her wishes.

Well, except for one little thing. She wanted her ashes scattered on Sydney Harbour as she was born and grew up in Sydney. Years later, I’m still trying to organise my Queensland- based siblings and step-siblings to all get there. I don’t really want to take my eldest brother’s suggestion that we spread her ashes at a local beach and let the current eventually take her to Sydney.

My husband and I also recorded all the necessary details our children would need when we passed, and it was a relief not to have to think about all that when he died. As a man of simple tastes, he wanted a “cardboard inner shell with reusable outer casket covering” as offered by the funeral services at the time. I’ve recently found out that cardboard coffins are no longer allowed, something to do with them not being dignified enough. As a man who enjoyed fishing, footy and a few beers, he would have had a laugh at that.

My youngest brother died in December, and his wife and sons decided on cremation and spreading his ashes at sea on what would have been his birthday. It was fitting for them, and even more so when a school of dolphins joined them. They then had a memorial afternoon in January for friends and relatives, a joyful affair in which colourful clothes were encouraged, pictures of his life rotated on a large screen, and funny tales were recounted.

It was a wonderful occasion, but every time I talked about my brother I started to cry and then felt I had to apologise as everyone else was so upbeat. I realised that I hadn’t really grieved in the way you do when family gets together at a funeral service and cries together. So I’ve decided that I will have a funeral service, but minus a coffin. Not only will this save money that can be better spent on having a wake afterwards, but will lessen air pollution during cremation. It will be my final gift for the planet.

And having all my funeral wishes in place will be my final gift to my children.