“I love the grandchildren. According to my husband, I’m besotted with them!” says Glenys, pushing a toddler on a swing. “But when it comes to providing childcare, I don’t do it just for them… I do it to help my own children.”
I feel the same way, but there’s no doubt our motivation as grandparents can be complex. Some of us want to make up for our failings as parents by doing an extra good job as grandparents; others feel pressured to provide childcare. One report stated that some grandparents are blackmailed by their own children into providing childcare. They’re told, either bluntly or by implication, that if they don’t provide care they won’t get to see the grandchildren. If this really happens in families, it’s pretty sad. Maybe it’s just a wry joke, like when a grandfather says, “My only role as a granddad is to open my wallet!”
Poor humour about family relationships comes up often… Mother in law jokes, jokes about hen pecked or clueless husbands, nagging wives and brattish children. I don’t like them. They can get in the way of love.
How deeply grandparents are involved in childcare can depend on their health and employment status, where they live and, often, how well they relate to their children.
Our involvement with our grandchildren helps them and their families, and brings us emotional rewards; and it often causes us to make sacrifices, large or small. Even in less happy extended families, grandparents often step up when called upon for help.
In the late 1990s, Penelope Keith, star of some of the UK’s most loved television shows, appeared in a series called “Next of Kin”. The series explores the stresses and strains, resentment and, eventually, joy in the lives of a recently retired and self-indulgent couple, Maggie and Andrew. In the process of buying their dream retirement home in France, they unexpectedly become legal guardians of their three grandchildren, following the accidental death of their parents. Maggie and Andrew hardly know the children, having been estranged from the parents; but they know they have no choice but to give them a home. Their French dream is gone, as soon will be Andrew’s wine cellar, vintage car and golf games.
“This will ruin our lives!” wails Maggie, overwhelmed by the situation.
When friends ring to ask them to dinner, Maggie accepts automatically, and then looks aghast when Andrew says, “If we can find a babysitter…”
When we first watched this show, Dan and I were looking forward to fulfilling our dreams in retirement, and we also knew that within the next few years we probably would become grandparents. For us, and for many people our age, Maggie and Andrew’s situation touched a nerve. It reminded us that life is unpredictable, no matter how well you plan.
Maggie starts out horrified at the thought of taking three children into her well-ordered life, and it is also the last thing Andrew wants to do; but they do it anyway. It is hard going, coping with the children’s grief, their fussy eating habits, sulks and resentment, but by the end of the series they all settle down and learn to love one another, and that house in France is entirely off the radar.
There are many grandparents raising their grandchildren full time. Sometimes they are single people themselves, and no matter how rewarding it might turn out to be, it’s never easy.
Like Glenys, I look after my grandchildren because I love them, and because I want to help my children; and also because I want to stay close to them all. I remember Maggie and Andrew and the uncertainty of life.
How often do you babysit your grandchildren? Do you feel it is “your job” or otherwise? Tell us in the comments below…
