Barry Clisdell can remember his mother attending one or two of his childhood sporting matches. He cannot remember his father attending any.
Decades later, when Barry had children of his own, he became a familiar figure on the sidelines of netball courts and soccer fields, watching the matches his own parents had missed.
In the third article in our four-part series inspired by Your Story, Dad, a guided journal published by Penguin, Barry looks back at the ways his childhood influenced the father he became and the lessons he hopes his children and grandchildren will carry with them.
Barry, 74, lives at Woolooware Shores and has three adult children – two daughters and a son and four grandchildren.
His working life began in a clerical role with the Sydney Water Board. After two years, he joined a customs agency, became a licensed customs broker and remained with the company for 34 years, progressing from its junior employee to managing the business after the owner retired.
Ready for a change, Barry later became an accredited mortgage broker, spent eight years selling real estate and finished his career working for a family charity raising money for childhood cancer research.
Like many fathers of his generation, he spent much of his children’s early lives trying to balance being present at home with the demands of being the family breadwinner.
“My whole thing was, and my reason for going to work was, so I could spend more time with my family,” he said.
“But I spent lots of hours in the work situation through a lot of years. I was leaving early and wasn’t seeing the kids in the morning, then I was getting home late and not spending much time with them. Therefore, I was trying to dedicate the weekends to the kids.”
Barry acknowledges that his wife carried much of the responsibility at home while he worked.
“My wife did all the hard work at home while I was the breadwinner,” he said. “I guess you always have challenges, and there are always moments when you think maybe you could do better.”
His memories of first becoming a father also reveal the humour that accompanied the uncertainty.
After the birth of their first daughter, Barry thought their family was complete. His wife quickly informed him otherwise.
“She said, ‘No, you’re not done. You can’t just have one. You’ve got to have two,’” he recalled.
A son followed, and Barry again thought they were finished.
“She said, ‘Well, you can’t just have two. You’ve got to have three.’ And I thought, ‘Hang on, where’s this going?’” he said.
The couple eventually welcomed another daughter.
“They’re all very, very special and very important to us,” Barry said.
Barry’s childhood was different from the family life he later created. His father ran a small business that kept him away from home for much of the week, so they mostly saw him on weekends.
Barry loved playing cricket in summer and soccer in winter, but his parents rarely watched him compete.
“I think I can remember my mother coming once or twice, and I’m not sure that I can ever remember Dad coming,” he said.
When Barry became a father, he made a point of supporting his children’s interests. His daughters played netball, his son played soccer and Barry followed them around their respective sporting fields.
His son was also involved in Scouts, giving Barry opportunities to join him on trips, while family holidays created some of his favourite memories of raising three children.
“We’ve always done lots of things together, and then with their kids, our grandkids, and we continue to do that,” he said.
The sporting events, school activities, holidays and celebrations have continued into the next generation.
Barry believes his children would probably describe him as someone who is available when they need him.
“The girls will probably both say that I’m there and available for them whenever,” he said. “I guess I would get the same response from all of them.”
One of the most difficult periods in the family’s life began when Barry’s nephew was diagnosed with cancer at 11.
Barry’s children had grown up alongside their cousin and remained close to him throughout his eight-year illness, spending time with him in hospital and at home.
He died at 19, but before his death he left his family a note asking them to raise money for childhood cancer research so other children would not have to endure what he had experienced.
What was intended to be a single fundraising event continued for 22 years and raised a large amount for childhood cancer research.
Barry’s three children volunteered each year and, as they began having children of their own, the grandchildren also became involved.
“I’m extremely proud to say that my three kids were actively involved in that charity each year on a volunteer basis,” Barry said.
“As their own kids came along, they too became involved and embraced the cause, helping them all learn lifelong skills in community and caring for others.”
Barry’s eldest daughter once asked him and several other significant men in her son’s life to write letters sharing what they had learned as parents and grandparents.
In his letter, Barry told his grandson there was no rule book for life.
“You do what you think is best,” he said. “You work hard and you strive to do your very best in whatever you do and set out to do. No one gets anywhere by not working hard.”
Fatherhood also taught Barry that every child is different. Treating children fairly does not necessarily mean treating them identically, because each one has their own personality and needs.
“You try and be even and fair, and you treat people the way you would like to be treated yourself,” he said.
The values Barry hopes to pass on are the same ones that have guided much of his life: work hard, do not take anything for granted and believe you can achieve what you set out to do.
“There’s no straight rule book that says this is how you live your life,” he said. “You get out there, work hard, do your best and strive to achieve.”
Barry may not have had a rule book when he became a father, but he knew there was one thing he wanted to do differently. He wanted to be there.
Years later, he is still turning up, only now he is watching his grandchildren from the sidelines.
Your Story, Dad is published by Penguin in hardback. RRP $26.99.
Barry and his wife are residents of Anglicare’s Woolooware Shores Village
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