No matter your age or circumstances, estrangement can be extremely difficult to deal with, with many people left struggling with feelings of abandonment and loneliness after being coldly cut off by close friends or relatives.
Whatever the reasons for the breakdown in a relationship, it is important to deal with your pain and try to communicate your feelings to those around you. However, the subject often triggers debate over how best to tackle the uncomfortable issue, with many believing that estrangement can never be justified, while others argue that more could be done by all sides to avoid the hurtful outcome.
Taking to popular forum site Gransnet, one user going by the name of ‘Lost Child’ instigated an honest discussion on the topic, asking: “What are your thoughts on estrangement? What measures should be attempted before estrangement? What in your opinion, justifies estrangement?”
The post attracted hundreds of responses, with many arguing that people do not try hard enough to avoid estrangement, suggesting that “all efforts should be made to talk things through” before deciding to push someone out of your life for good.
One user wrote: “I do think that all possibilities should be explored before estrangement. Although if the person who has become worn down by the relationship has asked for counselling or mediation etc and the answer is no, they are then within their rights to estrange.”
“It shouldn’t be done lightly,” another poster agreed, adding: “Efforts should be made to talk things through. Since mismatched expectations are often involved, I think those need to be explored, some people don’t realise that the other person had a different vision of a situation than they did. Boundaries may need to be set, in some cases, and others may need to find a way to accept them. If one person tends to make offensive comments, etc. the other may have to call them out on it and let them know how they feel about it. Apologies may need to be made and forgiveness given, if possible.
“Hopefully, the people in conflict can come to a point of understanding. If not, in some cases, contact may need to be cut back to decrease chances of friction. Only when efforts to fix the relationship have been tried – and failed – do I think estrangement is in order.”
Another added: “I see estrangement as the very last resort. Therefore I think that it occurs far too often. There’s always the option of agreeing to meet in a public place along with a group of other family and friends. Anyone who feels uncomfortable is then free to leave whenever they like.”
While others said that estrangement could never be justified, except in the case of a criminal act having been committed. One person commented: “Nothing except a criminal act justifies estrangement. Sadly anger and manipulation by outside forces can be all to common in these case.”
However one female poster, by the name of ‘Starlady’ pointed out that, for those on the receiving end of mistreatment, estrangement can be a good way out. She said: “Estrangement, IMO, is a very painful thing. Then again, if a relationship is painful, in itself, I imagine estrangement can be very freeing for one or more parties to the conflict.”
Starts at 60 previously spoke to Elisabeth Shaw, the CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, about how to mend an uncomfortable rift, even if it’s simply to have your say and finally communicate your feelings once and for all.
“Many people experience a form of estrangement, where they are still in touch with their family but can feel lonely, isolated or misunderstood within those relationships,” Shaw explained.
“In such cases they might hang in unhappily as physically cutting themselves off is not an option. Then there are those who have been physically and emotionally cut off, who desperately wish it was different, and who long to find a way back. And there are those who choose to cut themselves off because there has been what they perceive to be unacceptable past events or circumstances, and where they don’t experience any hope for change.”
Shaw said that before any bridges can be built, it is important to go right back to the root of the problem and acknowledge exactly what it was that caused the estrangement in the first place.
“There is the history of conflict and events, as well as the pride and accumulated umbrage that has been nursed over time, that has to be worked through before any change can be considered,” she said. “I find that if one family member leads the way to a request for change, others can be looking for a solution too and just don’t know how to get there. They might readily agree to meet, once given a roadmap.”
Shaw said, in her experience, it’s usually invaluable for families to speak to a therapist and accept their help and guidance during the difficult time, as they can often “help the family dialogue to be different”.
“I have worked with many families who ultimately say, ‘I wish we had done this earlier’. Sometimes it is when parents are elderly or close to death, when people realise how much (wasted) time has passed,” she added. “It is also the case that estrangements can lead to significant losses for others not centrally involved, such as your children.”